I’m still here..

Hello, blog…it certainly has been a while, hasn’t it? This’ll just be an update sort of explaining a little bit about what’s been going on lately, and my recent absenteeism.

A coupla weeks back, my Windows Vista machine finally forced my hand, by doing something incredibly retarded. I had been having difficulties so extreme with that operating system, I basically couldn’t use my computer – I didn’t WANT to use it, as Vista had this magical way of turning the most trivial of work-related tasks into colossal ordeals which taxed my time, patience and sanity.

My Vista box finally did something so incredibly retarded, it served as the final straw which broke the back of my tolerance camel, and I was forced to get a new computer – a new computer that I couldn’t really afford.

So, I was going through the motions of loading all my old software onto my new machine when something happened. It was time to load my music/studio/recording software and get my “recording studio” set back up on my new machine. On my Windows Vista machine, I had been using Cubase as my recording software. However, Hugh used Sonar to record his music, and one of the really big important things we were going to do, was, when the time finally came for me to ditch Vista for Windows 7, I was going to get Sonar so our music files would be the same format. Hugh was also going to show me how to use it like a pro, and give me lessons on how to get the right speakers for recording working, how to use the equalizing software he uses, and then ultimately collaborate using the native software he liked.

This was one of the biggest and most amazing things I was looking forward to..having the master show me how he worked his magic, so moving from Cubase to Sonar upon a new Windows 7 machine was sort of a big deal for me. And I had thought that we always had the time…maybe after work took off we could really grind on it…I was really looking forward to picking his brain, and having the privilege of working with a true, gifted master..I was finally going to learn how to do honest-to-goodness real music. Inside and out.

Needless to say, I haven’t loaded anything. I stopped drawing…I stopped writing, and work came down like the Hammer of Thor on me the past of weeks. I’ve been tasked with essentially filling his shoes in the company at an executive level. So, his passing not only fucked me up in my personal life, his passing also did a number on my professional life as well. I’ve been forced to grow, and mature prematurely in ways that I have no genetic predisposition for: the responsibility, the image, the management, addressing and speaking with affluence to billionaires and directly collaborating with high-caliber business people to help them broker high-level deals.

That was all Hugh’s domain…I don’t have his wisdom, charisma and experience, and now I’m finding that I’m being forced into a position that demands – somehow – doing what he did, not because I like it, or because I’m good at it, but because I HAVE TO. Sure, at some point, I would like to naturally grow as a person and maybe mature NATURALLY into the myriad of executive roles he held, but being thrust into it with nary a life-preserver has been a bit much, on top of all the personal affectations his passing inflicted upon my life. We could not have asked for a more perfect CIO…Hugh was razor-sharp, disarmingly friendly, super magnetic and personable and HIGHLY technical. He had mad skills in a suit and in the trenches. He could talk the talk AND walk the walk (he did the math in aerospace engineering by programming the EDM machines with all that scary angular math and geometry)…there is just no way he could ever, EVER be replaced.

The Vista => Win7 => music thing snapped something in my brain, and I fell into a spot of depression, desperately trying to keep my head above water with work. So, between the two, the drawing simply stopped, the writing stopped, and basically everything stopped. I was using art, writing and music to help cope with the depression, but something about the Cubase => Sonar thing just tripped something up in my brain. Do I install Cubase…or do I get Sonar…? Do I even want to look at music again at all?

So, in between getting fried at work, what little down time I’ve had I’ve spent playing Starcraft. Starcraft ONE, mind you, and single player to boot. I came across it loading up my new computer with all my old software, installed it, and I’ve been using it to decompress from life.

Starcraft 1, the original, ancient Starcraft from 1998 has been a sort of “surrogate buddy” for me throughout the years…I played it convalescing from all my major surgeries. It was just engaging enough – and FAMILIAR enough – it was perfect. I was always on painkillers, so I couldn’t really read, or write, or use Cubase to effectively record anything and new, bright and shiny video games were hard to track with the medication. Starcraft was familiar enough to where I could play it through the fog of pain-killers, but yet engaging enough to help get my mind off the pain.

So, I have basically been using Starcraft 1, and it’s single player games to convalesce from the grief…I thought I was doing fine using art, music and writing – this whole blog thing – to manage my grief…but something about not having Hugh around to show me how to be a Sonar master just sort of snapped something inside.

I’m still here, and I will still draw and write and do music an’ stuff…but I think I just a little more time, at least until work lets up a bit.

5 responses to “I’m still here..

  1. Hi Michael, have missed your posts but totally understand where you are in the process of your grief and changed work circumstances. It’s lovely to hear your voice and I look forward to your creativity in the future. Sending you a virtual hug ((((((((((((( X ))))))))))))) Sue x

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